Notes from the Z-log

For the third time this week I dreamed about fighting zombies (and no, I wasn’t watching or reading anything on the topic). That’s enough, I said. The time has come to hear the call of my subconscious and lay out the revelations just to be ready for any eventuality. After all, you never know what the future holds, so why not prepare yourself. Let’s assume that somewhere there’s  a university that contains a department in zombistics and cadavrology (DZC). Here is some of the advice the academics from the department would give citizens regarding a potential war with zombies.

Let’s start with safety and something very simple. According to data, compiled by a DZC co-worker (since I’m not the only one having zombie-filled dreams), protective bars to the door do wonders*. It should be noted that a lock is better than a padlock in view of faster opening and getaway. The opening and getaway should be undertaken only after the citizens in the apartment (we’re obviously not talking about houses here) have made sure no zombies will appear in the following 60 seconds. Don’t ask why 60 seconds, this wasn’t my dream. The idea is probably that the people have a one-minute head start which would allow them to have a quick walk around, deciding which is safer – the apartment or the streets.

We now quickly move on to the most important bit: weapons. My personal fields research (no less than three different dreams) has so far identified three weapons, with a varying degree of ambiguity regarding their efficiency. First — garden lights. Readily available in suburban areas but unfortunately not very efficient due to the lack of sufficient sharpness. They are only suitable for eyeballs, which needs good targeting, needless to say. On the plus side they have a good grip and, what is more important, can be used more than once.

Second — sheaves of camomile. And by sheaves I mean thick, huge sheaves. By camomile I mean the whole plant, flower, stem and roots, as far as I remember. its effect on the undead is like that of garlic on vampires or holy water on demons. The reason is still unclear but the DZC is working on it, mostly to see if the same effect is inherent in other herbs, such as thyme, oregano or basil, why not. Thistle has been proved to be inefficient, a conclusion, which was, sadly, paid for with the lives of several of our field researchers, or whippers. As the name suggest, the camomile is used in hand-to-hand combat, by administering regular whipping blows to the target. Save your strength, do not hit too hard as this would cause bits of the weapon to fall off, thus lowering its efficiency. Where to get camomile by the sheaves? I’ve no idea, I just dream the things.

Third — computer monitors. These ones, not these, for obvious reasons. Although at first glance it may look like plasma monitors are well suited for slicing or crushing skulls, it should be borne in mind that they are made of plastic, which means that it is very likely a blow will not accomplish the goal of terminal elimination. CRT monitors, on the other hand, have a major advantage — mass. This, however, could be also seen as a disadvantage because it means the anti-zombie warrior who decides to use one must have sufficient mas of their own plus strength, to be able to raise the monitor above their head in view of ensuring momentum. Of course, a CRT monitor can also be pushed through the window but I don’t need to tell you what the aiming precision of such an action would be. For such a situation to have a desirable outcome the target would have to be immobile, so don’t make any plans involving pushing CRTs out of windows. if the time is right, push, but otherwise don’t waste your energy.

I ‘ll end this list of notes with a few enthusiastic words about the weapon of weapons, the projectile above all others, the crossbow. As some of you — those who have graduated from the Ankh-Morpork school of life — know, the crossbow is the ideal weapon. This is even more true against an enemy such as the undead. The crossbow is silent, highly efficient (if you’ve had some training, obviously), and its bolts can be used multiple times. Get your hands on one before the Big Panic and practise.

The DZC wishes you fruitful days and a cool head. Stay tuned for the release of the official script for a co-production between the DZC and an unnamed Hollywood studio dubbed “The Crossbow”. A high-class horror porn packed with dynamic suspense and dramatic twists, interspersed with brilliant comic relief, heartbreaking tragedy and fundamental philosophical moral. After extensive negotiations it was decided that the US flag will not feature in the production.

_________

* I know first-world countries hardly use these, but those trailing at the bottom of the first-world list still need them.

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