1001 nights with Bella – a horror movie

The camera is by the door of a spacious penthouse. Almost the entire wall to the right is taken up by French windows, all openable. On the wall to the left of the windowed one hangs a huge flat screen, switched off, for the moment. In front of the flat screen stands a steel-legged glass table around which are arranged eight rattan chairs. On the table there’s a red-clay vase full of wilted vervain and celery stalks. On the chair right under the flat screen sits a marble statue whose features bear a striking resemblance to the face of Edward Cullen. Opposite the wall with the flat screen there is a wide-mouthed gas-powered fireplace. In it, face down, lies Stefan Salvatore. On the table, with a celery stalk in his mouth, is sprawled Eric Northman. Lying by an open French window, face out, is Damon Salvatore. To the left of the fireplace there is a leather couch on which the Winchester brothers are lying on top of each other. At the cameraman’s feet we see the prostrate lifeless body of Bill Compton.

Note: The roles are played by the actors who play them in the respective shows. From here on all dramatis personae will be referred to with their initials.

Suddenly and totally unexpectedly the flat screen switches on with a loud “Pft”, which give viewers goose bumps. The screen only shows snow for now, and everyone in the room starts coming to their senses slowly, groaning and moaning.

SS and DS simultaneously: Elena?!

EN: (Crunch!) What’s wrong with this celery?

Everyone get up on their feet and start looking around in disbelief. DW, being the most observant one, notices the old wooden staircase, eaten through by woodworms, that leads to the second floor. Its upper half is, naturally, hidden in spooky darkness. Suddenly and totally unexpectedly the snow on the screen disappears, replaced by a close-up of Bella Swan-Cullen against white background.

BSC: Where’s Spike?

DS opens his eyes so widely that the left one pops out of its socket, but he manages to get it back before anyone else notices. BC is petrified (literally). SW gapes to the extent that his lower jaw unhinges on the right. SS’s chin begins to tremble and a tear of horror rolls down his left cheek. EN looks his usual cool self until the viewer’s eye catches e slight tremble in his crotch area which suggests he is deeply terrified. DW instinctively begins to shape his blue-steel look but mid-smirk his self-control gives way and he starts screaming in terror. Soon the others join in the screams. Apart from BC, who is petrified, but nevertheless goes purple in his attempt to stifle the scream.

BSC: You have one minute to calm down. Then I’ll tell you why you’re here.

DW is the first to regain control and after that happens he fixes his brother’s jaw.

SW: Thank you, bro.

DW: Be quiet.

BC: Mmmmpfffffff.

DS to SS: Who’s that?

SS: I don’t know and I don’t want to know. Where’s Elena?

EN stares fixedly at the screen. His crotch area is also fixed and unmoving.

BSC: Have you calmed down? Here is my story. Edward and I  were happy, happy, happy; we shared our feelings in all ways possible every day. But gradually he began to harden. And when I say ‘harden’, I mean ‘turn into stone’. Marble, that is. I tried to help him – I started sharing with him my feelings in ever more detail, I even shared my thoughts when such ones occurred but, alas, the process seemed to be irreversible. I’m lonely, I have no one to share with, so I cast my mental shield like a fishing net and I caught you to entertain me and take my thoughts (editor’s note: Change word!) off my sorrow and misery.

In the middle of the last sentence EN loses control and starts clawing at his face. DW clenches his teeth. The sound of a tooth breaking is heard. Or two teeth. SS bursts into tears and DS turns his back to the others so they don’t see that this time both his eyes have left their usual places. He puts them back in, murmuring.

DS: Why do I even bother!

BC: Mmmmmpfffff. Ssssssssssss…

BSC: Do not attempt to find me.

DW and SW cling to each other’s arms in horror of this prospect.

BSC: I’m on the second floor, in the room behind the third door on the left but, I repeat, do not try to find me. It’s useless. I’ll never sleep with any one of you.

DW and SW let each other go with sighs of relief, SS’s tears dry instantly and EN falls into one of the chairs with legs suddenly (and completely unexpectedly) weak at the knees. With relief. DS takes out his right eye and tosses it into the air out of sheer joy. Then he puts it back in.

BSC: I just want to tell you the story of my life.

Everyone freezes and the petrified BC suddenly and without warning (Ha!) unpetrifies and give out a screech of utter despair. Now the viewers see a flashback to a younger, more innocent BC, reading “Breaking Dawn” and biting his nails. A moment later (after the flashback, that is) DS joins in the screeching and we see a second flashback in which he is looking at the title page of one of the Twilight books.

BSC: I was born in Forks, the town with the highest number of rainy days in the continental US.

DW: Oh, come on, are you serious?

SW: Dude, don’t attract her attention!

BSC: If you interrupt me while I’m telling you the story of my life in detail, there will be consequences!

Her face disappears from the flat screen, all sigh with relief, but it’s short-lived because on the screen appears Nathan from Misfits who excretes a hedgehog and dies in pain, as he has excreted it bottom-first (the hedgehog’s bottom).

BSC: This is what awaits anyone who refuses to listen to the story of my life in detail.

As one, all turn their eyes to DW who pretends to be distracted and starts whistling. His brother is the only one who senses the abysmal pain in the whistling tune and his brow crumples.

DS turns to his brother with an ominous sigh.

DS: She’s put Elena’s life in danger. We have to kill her.

SS: No, maybe we’ll be able to persuade her to change. But first we need to find out if she’s working for Klaus.

EN: Ijits!

SW and DW: Bobby!

BC sighs and petrifies agains with a last lonely:

BC: Ssssssssssssssssookeeeeh!

BSC reappears on the screen. Confusion radiates from her eyes. Or maybe excitement. Or anger. Or joy. Or suspicion. Or fury. Or hate. Or malice. Confused by these mutually exclusive messages all except the petrified BC as one open five of the French windows and throw themselves into the air. In a second we hear blood-curdling, horrible screams shrieks and other audio output. The camera pulls back from the air behind the windows and the viewers see that everyone is back in the room.

BSC: I didn’t want to tell you this earlier so that you don’t get scared. You are all ghosts and you will stay here 1001 nights. Mwahahahaha!

From behind the chair occupied by the marble Edward Cullen suddenly and unexpectedly appears Tate Langdon with a glass of blackberry juice.

TL: Cheers.

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